Sibling Rivalry

Follow Jane Rekas's board sibling rivalry on Pinterest.

Please also see my general post on Parenting Approaches.

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Center for Effective Parenting handout on Sibling Rivalry.

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The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings
by James Lehman, MSW

When one child has a consistent behavior problem with chaotic outbursts, the other children in the home suffer.

"It’s also important to have a "safety plan." Just as families are encouraged to have a plan of action if there’s a fire (where to meet, how to get out, what to do), I have always encouraged families to sit down and talk about how they can help the acting out child."

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Sibling Rivalry / Kids Don't Get Along

This site has a good list of to dos:

• Regardless of the reasons for sibling rivalry, the fighting can cause stress and unhappiness for everyone in the family. Parents may be frustrated not knowing how to react when siblings fight. Some general guidelines for parents while siblings are fighting include:
• If possible, don't get involved in the fight and let children resolve their own conflicts unless someone is getting hurt.
• If you must intervene in the fight, separate the children until they are both calm enough to talk about what happened.
• Don't yell at the siblings who are fighting, since this may only escalate the aggression.
• Don't assign blame or try to figure out who started it - both siblings were fighting so both are responsible for the conflict.
• Don't appear to favor or protect one child.
• Don't assume that the younger child is always the victim. Younger children are just as capable of older ones at starting fights, and older siblings still may not have the maturity to handle the situation well.
• Though parents cannot prevent all sibling rivalry, there are things they can do to reduce the frequency and severity of fights, depending on the causes. Some of these things include:
• Talk to each child alone every day, and tell them that you love them. Even spending ten minutes with a child can reassure them that you care about them and give you a chance to find out what's going on in their lives.
• Spend positive time together as a family. Try to eat one meal together every day without the TV, and find time to do fun family activities like playing games or going for walks. This will strengthen family relationships and make kids more willing to work out their problems. Be sure, however, that the activities address the interests of all the children so they don't feel like they are being forced to participate in one child's activities.
• Appreciate each child as an individual, and don't compare children to their siblings.
• Hold family meetings to set rules, like no hitting or name-calling, and explain what the consequences will be for any child who breaks these rules, regardless of who starts a conflict. Remind children that they are all part of the family and that you love each of them.
• Help children to understand that sometimes being fair does not mean being equal. A teenager may have more freedom, but also may have more responsibilities. A child with special needs may get more attention because he or she needs the extra help.
• Let children and teens have some time and space to themselves, and let them have some special possessions they don't have to share.
• If children are fighting over something like a computer game or the TV, create a schedule so each gets equal time using it. Let them know if the fighting continues that whatever they are fighting over will be taken away. Giving each child their own TV or computer may not be a good solution because it doesn't teach compromise and may lead to family members being isolated in their rooms without supervision or family interaction.
• Set a good example. When you are angry, don't yell, throw things, or call others names. If you need help with anger management, don't hesitate to get help.

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Here is a link on Child Centered Special Time for younger children.

Child Centered Special Time 

For older children, schedule a date night or day:

Schedule a Date Night with your kids

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Here's another list:

20 Tips to Stop Quibbling Siblings
One is the importance of family meetings.
Here is another link to family meetings handout.

Family Meeting

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Good Kid and Bad Kid


Sometimes sibling rivalry comes out of a tendency for kids to polarize roles:

Sibling Rivalry: Good Kid vs. Bad Kid
by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor

1. Don’t choose between your children.
2. Don’t place your child in the role of “good kid” or “bad kid.”
3. Brush off the teasing or else "Stop the Show."
4. Develop a culture of accountability in your family.
5. Don’t make the mistake of ignoring the child who behaves well.
6. As parents, Role Model how to resolve problems and disagreements in respectful and non-aggressive ways.
7. Treat each child as an individual.

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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg  Adopt a family culture of  Non-Violent Communication: Nonviolent Communication For Children & Youth By Inbal Kashtan

NVC invites practitioners to focus attention on four components: Observation: the facts (what we are seeing, hearing, or touching) as distinct from our evaluation of meaning and significance. NVC discourages static generalizations. It is said that "When we combine observation with evaluation others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying." Instead, a focus on observations specific to time and context is recommended.  Feelings: emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. These are to be distinguished from thoughts (e.g., "I feel I didn't get a fair deal") and from words colloquially used as feelings but which convey what we think we are (e.g., "inadequate"), how we think others are evaluating us (e.g., "unimportant"), or what we think others are doing to us (e.g., "misunderstood", "ignored"). Feelings are said to reflect whether we are experiencing our needs as met or unmet.  Needs: universal human needs, as distinct from particular strategies for meeting needs. It is posited that "Everything we do is in service of our needs." Request: request for a specific action, free of demand. Requests are distinguished from demands in that one is open to hearing a response of "no" without this triggering an attempt to force the matter.

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Birth Order


Another significant contributor to sibling rivalry is birth order.


Birth Order Dynamics and Response to Stress

• First Born, Best Stressed?
• In the Middle
• The experience of the Youngest
• Twins

What are the effects of the middle child syndrome?

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Finally, siblings have personality differences.
Read more.